“I don’t really know how I feel. You never really know lost you were until you were once found. Maybe I’m forcing it to seem real and creating all the hurt myself. Maybe it’s not actually happening before the desperation takes place. The churn in my stomach blocked by wind, so closed off just need to breathe. Pain is only ever suffered from a loss, we ignite this pain and we make it more painful in our grievances to try to cling onto what is left, to enter into greed to take whatever we can. Scared. Helpless. Useless without.
How hard it is to sit with that pain, to accept it, to help it. We strive to escape it, never taught it’s ok to feel down, depressed, angry. And when we do have those feelings…We run.”
I recently saw a comment on someone’s Instagram post about her wearing a bikini doing yoga by the pool whilst on vacation. This woman’s comment was so (literally cant find the right word lol) that I felt the need to make a post dedicated to it. This woman was saying that this beautiful yogi would put people off wanting to view her posts because of her beautiful body, the yogi herself explained that she is insecure too in the main post herself. So this woman goes on to say its making it harder for women to feel good, harder for them to be models. I feel outraged! I am literally fucking disgusted that any persons would put this type of pressure on anybody! It takes a shit load of strength (no matter the body type) to post a bikini photo, we all judge our own bodies we know that, but you do not go around trying to change another person, trying to control what they post on their social media, and to also make them feel bad for their own bodies.
You cant expect to go around commenting to try to control the world, you need to take responsibility for where you are right now. I’ve gone really slim, to other people my figure has been beautiful, to some I needed to put on weight. But to me….it never mattered how slim I went because I still had this ‘fat’ perception. If you feel the need to slate or become envious or slightly controlling to others please note that it is YOU that must change. No matter your size, you cant keep blaming models, you cant blame the government, you cant blame the sales people at the restaurants. Until you take full responsibility for where you are right now and accept yourself in your already wholeness, this is when you will change. You are playing victim because you’re unhappy with yourself, because you don’t trust in yourself enough to even love who you are, how can you expect it from others?
I’ve been the girl who saw myself in the most horrid and vile ways, I’ve been blessed with divinely guided happenings that have helped me to see the bigger picture. I went to Greece a good few years back now, i suffered with bulimia, I thought I’d got better until this trip. As girls we are a little weird on holidays, instead of checking out the hunky males we fixate ourselves on the women’s bodies around us. Well for me, i had the girl who’s body I liked to look at all day, her figure was beautiful and it was very attractive as was most other girls. The day before I was to leave home from Greece is when this girl sat on my sun lounger with me to talk. Our legs were nearly touching, I freaked out and got scared when I noticed that this beautiful girls legs were double the size of mine! I had imagined I needed to lose weight and tone up the first time I saw her figure. To me she was perfect, her figure beautiful, everybody else’s too. I had trained my own brain that much into negative self talk over the years of the ‘I’m fat’ ‘I need to lose weight’ that my own mind had made me look a lot bigger than who I was, whilst all others I was still able to see their flawless beauty. I did that to me. I’d been making myself ill for years and it was this trip that made me see that no other girl’s body needed to change, my own body didn’t need to change, MY MIND needed to change.
Don’t get me wrong I didn’t stop there and then, but at the back of it all I knew deep down I myself needed to stop being cruel to me.
I think I’ve honestly damaged my own self that much that I needed another experience, the one I had last year while I was a way for 4 weeks solo. I was in my 3rd week away last year seeing myself in a bikini every day alone, I looked in the mirror and for the first time I saw my beautiful body with love! I really did enjoy my body. I’m pretty sure I had archangel Raphael with me during this trip away, I saw lots of emeralds n stuff n I just ‘knew’ he was there. So after looking at my body and feeling good in my own skin and my mind too I was forced to sit on my bed, a video flashed before my eyes and showed me it all, memories I never even remembered, I saw it all for the first time that it wasn’t the media, the models, the family that had hurt or damaged me, it was all me! It was such a profound experience that after I saw it all i got up off my bed and stood in front of the mirror and said “I am so sorry for all I have done to you! I love you so much, I’m so sorry”. I was literally in tears and I couldn’t believe that I had been so mean and cruel to this beautiful soul staring back at my reflection. The world doesn’t need to change, WE need to change. They say be the change you want to see, not control what you’re seeing.
After this I really knew I did love me now, I’d seen it all. Nobody else needs to change, I feel whole enough to look at anyone and smile, it doesn’t matter whether I’m looking at a Victoria secrets model or a cashier at Tesco’s. I feel whole within myself, I trust in who I am, I love myself, I literally have no other choice but to see everyone else in those same beautiful ways too. I don’t stigmatise anyone, I don’t need to (fat skinny thin ugly tall pretty blablabla) is all bullshit to me, if all we are is pure love and we show that to ourselves the world around us starts to look beautiful, all people are beautiful. You have to stop playing victim now, you have to accept yourself today, stop focusing on the image, start focusing on what makes you happy. The only reason you aren’t where you want to be is because you’re trying to force something through your own fear and pain and it wont work. Only when you open yourself up to the love that is within you and be gentle with yourself can you ever start to feel content and happy in your being. Stop stigmatising yourself and others, realise the whole that is all of us, don’t escape yourself through other people, you are all beautiful, its time you started acting like it.
It’s sad the way we work, why we judge ourselves and blame etc. This fear, and that’s exactly what it is, its literally makes us panic that much that we run around in panick just needing something to do, someone to blame or argue with, or be too much for in any kind of way. Why is it so hard for us to be ok with now? So hard for us to even understand that ‘now’ really does exist. We hold no value in the present until a few years later when we realise we haven’t done anything! Everything we focused on was always ahead of time so we never enjoyed, we never did, we just never really were.
I mean think about it, you go on holiday and think of the next one you’ll go on. You chill all day awaiting the night, we sleep all winter waiting for spring. To take hold of now, capture the essence of the slow sunset as it fading firelights the tree’s branches, golden dust forms upon leaves, dark shadows form beside me. Blue sky, grey clouds some white, whispering songs of the winds chants rhythm wilderness brings.
Trinity retreat 