I am currently coming more into this expanded awareness now. Obviously it isn’t every second of every day but these changes have already started and the awareness with them too.
Last Saturday morning i’d awoke in such a shaky state, felt panicky and fearful just proper shitty and negative. I went out for a few hours and all conversations were just fuckin low, crappy, mono-tone and mega draining in my already crappy feeling state. One of my friends called later that day to see if i’d like a night out on the town all paid for too! I said yes, i even started to get ready. Then i took a step back, i’d felt like crappy and on edge all day. Do i really want to go out in this negative state of mind? Or, do i want to stay home and do some inner work on myself and bring myself back in alignment with my truth? I did stay in! I trusted this inner pain and decided to not act impulsive covering up this negative energy with alcohol, i stayed home and read a book instead.
So the Saturday just gone i was in a great mood! Felt fantastic and just really wanted to get dressed up, put on some make-up and just feel pretty. I got a phone call again from friends to see if i wanted to go out and was so pleased as i honestly wanted to. I’d not yet taken my dog for a walk and had an hour to get ready and shower. I took my dog on the park with my hair wet from the shower so it could dry a little naturally and hopefully save me some time. The sky was gorgeous, 8:15pm still blue skies and my dog was so happy, i chased her around for a playful 20mins and i just couldn’t stop feeling all the love i have for her, how happy she is when we play together and has this look of a puppy again, its as though she looks younger these days. It was then i thought watching her wag her little tail, it’s these moments to be cherished, this is life, this moment here i love this. This is perfect, me and my little puppa all happy and playing and 7 years taken off her life renounced the playful little soul within her that ignited me too.
I still get ready, i go out drinking and then have a key of cocaine, which really bugs me if people say ‘it’s only one key of coke’ as though it is nothing when it is in fact something. So i was happy, i went out drinking, i find it easy to say ‘no’ to drugs so why did i slip up? Why was it too easy to take that as easy as easy as it is to yes to a piece of gum your friend offers you. No question about it. Just take it. I’m not addicted to it, i know this, its not the ‘drug’ that makes me say ‘yes’ or ‘fuck it i’ll have one’. Its honestly and i am sure anyone reading this will have fallen trap to this at some point or other, you genuinely didn’t want it, you didn’t need it, you were more than happy without it, it wasn’t on you…
It will usually fall under these categories:
- Showing off
- Everybody else is doing it #following the crowd
- Impulsive mind, not thought about making a decision
- I might have changed but i’m still one of you
When we realise it is these things and not addiction itself we realise how is aspects of our personality that need to change too. It’s easy to say ‘i don’t take drugs anymore’ but major parts of our personalities must start to change in alignment with the life we have started to prefer. The ‘fuck it i will’ attitude needs to change to a more biased response so we can process it with our brains more and establish what we have received mentally before we make a proper decision.
Maybe my alcohol intake needs to come down too now. A couple months ago i went out with friends and realised there was no difference in who i was as a person for at least the first few drinks. I was still happy, confident and enjoying my time just as much sober as with those first few drinkys. Then when i actually was drunk the night changed, it’s ruined, i want to leave early, i’m not fun anymore and sometimes i’m not that much of a nice person when i am drunk. Its really good this has all happened in such a short space of time, it’s opened my mind to deeper aspects of myself and allowed me to see that more changes need to be made here. I’m thankful for being open enough to see these extra parts.
Seriously its fucking amazing doing this ‘inner journey’ and in doing so we all realise we are not perfect personalities, nobody is, it’s good coming across more deep self work and trying to better your self with more changes. It’s liberating to get to these spaces so deep that we are shown the next step of ourselves to work on. I stopped hanging around with people in the beginning those i associated drug taking with. I’ve now come to a place a year and half later where it is now parts of my personality that had evolved through my history of drug taking that need to come down too. I have to wipe away those parts of myself i’d accumulated during my ‘drug’ years. To become the person i am today that is in sync with my whole. Those aspects of my personality need to change now as they dont work in favour of who i am or (trying) to be today.
I dont believe its by chance that this happened, i honestly feel that something is out there bringing more of these experiences to me so i can learn more about myself, others and why we do the things we do. It is not’coincidence’, this post wouldnt be here right now otherwise. I am still on this journey and the light and answers are coming through with both the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ choices, which i still dis-believe in good or bad, i am happy to see it both sides of it as a way as bringing me back to the person i want to be, that is happy in the moment and full of love, to look at fear as an opportunity rather than a disappointment.
It’s like im being shown from something else that i cant seem to at times fathom for myself. I hope this post encourages you to delve deeper into yourself. I will follow on from this post in 6 months time to let you know the changes i have made and the differences in my behaviour and whatever other answers and learning experiences i’ve come into during that time too.
Still on this journey, still moving forward, definitely far from perfect and learning all the while, continuously making more changes to free my soul. much love to you all xxxx
Trinity retreat 