I’ve been through quite a bit of shit in my life. And the biggest part of me releasing all my past has been writing. Writing what I’ve felt during hard times and reliving that emotion has been strong, but also whilst writing or shortly after when my mind realises I’m not in that place any longer, I’m able to take a different view. I’m able to see it from a completely different perspective. To realise that it’s happened but its not happening right now. To see the bigger picture today, to find that you can understand all who badly treated you in a compassionate way.
I started writing a book about a year ago, its still no where near finished. I write a little bit and the feelings from the past have risen again. It can be quite emotional, but as times passed and i’ve continued to write, I’ve re-read my book no end, I’m seeing the person who this happened to as someone else. That person is no longer me or a part of who I am. When I first started to write the book I would write for a day and fall into a week of not wanting to really be, to take my mind off the hurt and pain that I just relived. Spend a week in bed eating junk and watching movies. Now it doesn’t sound good I know, but something greater than me wont let me stop. And I’m thankful I listen to this voice. As the year has progressed I’m able to look back at that younger self with hardly any judgement, I see who she was and empathise with her. I see how scared she once was, I look at the people in my life from past experiences with understanding too, i’ve come to realise not everything is done intentionally to be mean. Continuously going back to my own story over and over, what once made me cry and feel sick and hide away for a week is now having a much more positive impact on my life. I feel for all the people in that story, I can see why I did those things clearer now. I don’t feel slight bouts of depressive behaviour when I return to this book any longer. I’m able to continue through and learn more about my past that I didn’t know back then. It doesn’t make me feel guilt and shame as much. Re-reading my story has helped me weaken the mental damage that lived in my mind for so long, it doesn’t really exist any more.
Drawing has also helped me too, I’ve had days when someone has been angry with me and livid and I’ve felt so scared. I usually go straight to my room and close the door wanting the feeling to go away. That’s when I start drawing, within a minute or so I feel freed, I’m releasing whatever I feel in this very moment and I can be there sometimes for a few hours. My best work has actually come from escaping the negative drama in life. Doing this brings me back to a sense of complete inner piece. My mind closes down and its just my imagination to flow, its pretty meditative for me, stops my thinking brain right in its tracks. Its just me, my pencils and the calming higher self that pours through eventually, ego is stopped in her tracks and I’m able to feel peace and harmony again.
Sometimes our emotions need to be expressed in order to release. I don’t need other substances these days to tackle my emotions and block them further. I’m able to release within my preferred sources of writing and drawing. I urge whoever reads this to use a part of yourself that allows everything to flow out of you in your own way, your preferred source, whatever that may be.
Trinity retreat 