Learning how to love and be happy for me

I just spent the past hour crying a river of tears. Until eventually I get up, I stand in front of and look into the mirror and say “im so sorry for all I have done to you, I love you so so much, I am SO sorry”.

I find it so easy to get angry with the media and family for discriminating against people on looks, yet somehow I was the worst of all of them when looking at myself. Why did other people’s judgements make me angry? Why was I constantly blaming everyone else in the world except for me?

People think I came here for adventure and experiences. Maybe a part of me did. I knew I needed some space away, a lot of emotions from my past have been kept under the carpet and they’ve been trying to re-surface. I stop it from coming up and out as im possibly at work and so desperately don’t want anybody to see me emotional. I knew I needed to come here and let it out whilst I could, to reflect back, to be able to deal with it and let it go. Little did I know that my emotional rollercoaster would be this strong and take me back to places that I had long tried to keep well brushed under. I was aware before I came that I wanted to start writing a book, I felt strongly it would help me deal with emotions. However I had no idea I would be forced to see my past. I’ve realised the part I’ve played in all of my past experiences and that only I can change it. My book wasn’t even going to be anything about what I say in this post. Its shocked me, reflecting back to the mental damage which I have caused myself.

Now for the past few days as I’ve been seeing myself in a bikini for a little over 3 weeks now,  I have really started to enjoy my figure and shape, and actually love my body. I’ve been applying for 2 times a day a lot of positive self talk for the past couple months, and its been working for me. But today, after being proud of my achievements in how I FEEL about myself I was struck with a lightening bolt from the past. I was taken on an emotional yet heartfelt journey.

I’ve been so cruel to me. I used to hate what I saw in the mirror that much that I punched myself in the face and actually gave myself two very purple black eyes. I’d look in the mirror grabbing my hair and pulling it out, livid with my reflection. Who is this vile disgusting girl?

I didn’t like my appearance as a little girl, my mum soon changed this for me, she forced me to look in the mirror every single day and to say “im beautiful” until eventually I believed it. At the age of 18 years old im back at this nasty way of thinking about myself, after beating myself up a few times I remember what mum taught me as a little girl. I tried to apply this again but it didn’t work. I was sat infront of the mirror and I couldn’t even finish saying the word ‘beautiful’, I screamed at the mirror “you’re fucking ugly, I hate you!” I wanted to punch my reflection, she was so ugly. I broke down into tears, I wanted to be better, I wanted to get better, but this was so hard. I didn’t bother trying again. My thoughts took hold over my life and progressively got worse until the point I just didn’t want to be here anymore, I just wanted to die, to be gone somewhere else where I didn’t have to deal with this! I didn’t know how to kill myself with the shower, I couldn’t tie it around my neck. I tried, I wrapped it around my neck and held it tightly so it would work, but it kept coming looser. I would cry an immense amount of tears on these occasions, saying lightly “die” “please die”. It never happened.

A few years later im not as bad. I don’t physically beat myself up anymore, I like some things about myself. I made myself sick quite a few times. This was my trick to being happy. I could eat knowing it doesn’t matter, nobody else would notice. I restricted my portion sizes and exercised more, yet if I ate even just one biscuit id force myself to throw it back up. If I didn’t bring it back up my throat, I could see the cellulite and extra fat on my body within 5 mins of digestion. It scared me when I saw it, it truly made me panick it being there, it had to go and disappear. Drugs were my escape. They helped me forget all of this, they made me feel ‘happy’ I suppose. Any negativity was turned into giggles and smiles when I got high. I could be off my face for way over 24 hours, yet the worst was to come when I walked through my bedroom door. Every time I went out taking drugs I would come back go to my room and cry. Reality hit home that soon. I cry a painful cry, I just want it to end. I don’t try to kill myself anymore, instead, now, I lay in bed after these hard nights, sobbing, and I pray. I honestly pray myself to sleep. I pray that I wont wake up in the morning, that if anything is up there they will let me go, im ready, please let me die now.

The taking drugs to get away from myself, the shoving my fingers down my throat, the name calling I do to myself. This goes on for about 5 years. Looking at me you wouldn’t think I made myself ill. I didn’t look like I had an eating disorder. Even at my smallest. I would eat huge portions, it affected the way I felt inside. I could easily go the whole of the next day with no food. Certain foods irritated my stomach, dairy and wheat. I’d eat these foods in bigger quantities as a way to give myself diarrhoea and stomach ache that would put me off food for a day.

I bought illegal weight loss tablets, the drug in them was used to make crystal meth. It was advised on the packaging not to combine with caffeine as the side effects were stronger. I had caffeine my first time (unaware of the label), i ate just 2 raisins this day, i wasn’t hungry, my energy was higher, my eyes were wizzing. I googled about the drug and that’s when i knew about the caffeine. I then took the tablets without caffeine and the drug made me tired and sleepy. I wasn’t happy with this effect, i started to take the tablets with caffeine to gain the high and stop me from eating. I loved the tablets. I even took them with alcohol on nights out and shared them with friends.

I took drugs for the first time when I was 18 years old. I started a weekend at a happy size 12, I was loving, caring, considerate, happy, and most likely one of the most confident people you’d have met at this point in life. I’d been awake for 4 days straight taking drugs, my energy levels going up, coming back down and then rising again. By the 3rd day I didn’t know where I was, I didn’t know who I was. I was in my own flat and asked someone in their if I was allowed to smoke in here? he replied with ‘its your flat’. I was lost and confused, but it didn’t matter. By day 4 when it stopped, I was a size 8. I remember looking at my new reflection and loving my new size, but it still wasn’t good enough, I still needed to lose more. I did, I went to a size 6, I was still fat though, I still wouldn’t show my belly off. It was disgusting and I hated it.

I got myself out of this completely alone, I was my own support. I didn’t like people knowing, it was embarrassing, would they be watching my every move if I told them. A few times after making myself sick or calling myself names I would go to bed and cuddle myself and say “why are you doing this to yourself mikki” “you need to stop this, its silly, you are lovely”. This happened a fair few times.

Feeling constantly stuck in this vicious cycle, October last year was when all my changes really took off. I had started to get better with myself anyway, I didn’t need the drugs anymore, i was eating a very healthy diet and going for peaceful walks that clubbing and alcohol and drugs didnt bother me anymore. I cut contact with people who weren’t that nice to me.  I was becoming healthier and stronger both mentally and physically, but my vision of myself was still an issue. Come October was when I sat down and asked myself what I really wanted. My only answer was to be happy. And then I thought of all the things I do that make me happy, going for walks was my first thing. Not because of weight, because I like being outdoors with nature, all my negative thoughts disappear when im out walking. This was my first change. I stopped putting pressure on myself to lose weight quick, not eat etc. I think the stress I was putting on myself made my body swell and become uncomfortable. My diet then started to change too, I became healthier again, looking at the benefits of certain foods and which ones I felt should be incorporated into my body that day. I went to bed at 8pm most Friday nights to arise at 6:30am and be at costa first thing in the morning when its silent. I’d head straight for the newspapers and read my horoscopes in 3 different papers. Then with my coffee I would sit, notepad and pen in hand and I would write. These things made me happy. I didn’t need the fancy clothes, the clubbing side of life, the shoving of fingers down my throat anymore. I was working on being happy for me, doing the things I like doing no matter how small they may seem.

A couple months ago I decided to take an online course, it kept popping up, I was drawn to it. This course shows you how you can apply the law of attraction to live the life you deserve. All of what I have been through has been a build up to me doing this, and the course came to me at the most perfect time. Maria Kritikos course has taught me to realise what im lying to myself about and what the absolute truth is, im finally getting it. I realise we all live in our own worlds. Im thankful for my past because the me now, who I am today is incredible. If I have emotions that I feel need to be paid attention to that’s when I write. I feel the emotion, I write it, sometimes I speak of it, sometimes I want it stay personal. Writing it helps me let it go, I have dealt with it now. I have seen the damage I have done to my beautiful soul and I now feel freed. I don’t feel regret or sadness anymore, for the first time ever it is dealt with, for real, its gone.

I’ve kind of been my own little counsellor,  writing it down and asking myself the questions etc from my course has been my release of this. This trip away has been my awakening, of all the hurt, pain and damage I have put myself through. I can finally see, im open again, I even just found chickpeas in the supermarket! I haven’t been able to see any without bacon since I got here and they were right infront of me lol.

If any readers have been through anything similar or even not similar but the relation feels the same just remember that you dealt with it, you are here now, you are STRONG! Think about your experience, write it down, allow your emotions to arise and let it go. You don’t even have to keep it, shred it if you want, or maybe you want to share your story, then do that.

All that needs to change is what you say to yourself; paradigm shift. Be honest with yourself, stop telling those lies. If you wouldn’t dream of saying it to or about someone else then stop saying it to yourself. Only you can set yourself free, the sooner we stop blaming everyone else for our ways and accept the major role we have played in all we do ourselves, that’s when results will happen. You will notice changes after this. Writing this has helped me so much. I’m completely inlove with my appearance, with my soul, who I am as a person. I have been more open with people I haven’t met. I am so proud of myself for uploading these pictures. I am proud of myself for being open. Live for making yourself proud.

Please take a moment to write down all the things that make you feel happiness. Start doing them. If you’re alive you should at least be happy xxx

If anyone would like any more information about this post feel free to email me vanillaculture.blog@gmail.com.  you have my trust and complete confidence with any email. If you want to share your story with me I promise it will be between just me and you. Xxx